i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
