If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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