Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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