My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
