haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
