fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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