Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
