Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Randomize
