this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
