I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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