a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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