Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
she told me i tasted like america
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
