I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize