You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
