i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
