I think my vagina is haunted
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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