is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
