Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
