And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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