I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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