you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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