its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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