so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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