Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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