turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
