Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
