Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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