so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
