just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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