Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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