you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
