I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize