I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
