My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
