apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Randomize
