This is not my ceiling
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
