I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize