I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
