so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
