too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
