but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
