Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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