Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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