My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
