I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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