you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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