he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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