mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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