Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
