please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
