rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
