When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
then he tried to convert me to islam
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I think I sprained my soul last night
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
