did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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