I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
