The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
