you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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