I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
