Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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