omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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