Your face is a jimmy john
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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