There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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