great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
